Dr. James Dobson says in his book, The Strong Willed Child, ”When you are defiantly challenged, win decisively.” This is a great word of advice but the key is when you are defiantly challenged. What about when you are not defiantly challenged? What about those times when there is this issue that keeps coming up over and over and at the root, it really isn’t that big of a deal.
Let me explain. We have coat issues in our house. My children do not like coats. They do not like sweatshirts. Or sweaters, or hats or sweatpants that are fuzzy on the inside. Apparently I have a different body temperature than they do. This winter I made a decision: No one is required to wear a coat (well Abbey doesn’t have a choice). The truth is, we live in North Carolina and they are not going to freeze to death. (The other truth is I am worried about what others will think about me if my children don’t wear a coat to school.)
Now I must say that I had a really hard time staying true to this. I started saying, “Now today, I would recommend a jacket, but it is your decision,” and then bite my tongue if they chose not to wear a coat. I thought when I started this that they would have a couple of cold days on the playground and then they would choose to wear their coats the rest of the winter. Actually the opposite happened. The other day, my children were playing outside, barefoot and wearing shorts (it was about 50 degrees) and I had to remember they are not going to freeze to death.
While fighting over coats is not an issue we are going to argue about, changing clothes is. My children wear uniforms to school and will often ask if they can change clothes when they get home. This turned into double amounts of laundry and random apparel all over my house for me to pick up. I will not budge on this. It took months of saying no before they stopped asking (they still ask about once a week).
The point is you can’t make everything a battle because then your home is just a war zone. Managing a home requires rules and expectations. Wisdom is knowing the difference between when what is critical and what is incidental and acting accordingly.
Comments
Very good advice!
Posted By: Rebecca | January 10th, 2013 at 10:52 am
Love this Holly! Keep choosing wisely and standing firm on what’s important!
Posted By: Tameika | January 10th, 2013 at 1:53 pm
A bit if advice I heard from a retired Air Force officer some years ago that he used in raising his children, one of whom was a close friend. “Never throw big rocks at mice, save them for elephants!” PTL
Posted By: Ken Morrow | January 10th, 2013 at 3:29 pm
I am so glad to hear your opinion about coats (and battles). My daughter is hot natured and frequently refuses to wear one. I am glad to know that others think it is not worth the battle.
Posted By: mandy | January 10th, 2013 at 4:08 pm
I only laugh because in Michigan 50 degrees IS no coats and barefoot weather ;)
Posted By: Kait | January 10th, 2013 at 4:44 pm
This is good. We had a similar situation with coats at my house a couple of years ago. I wasn’t willing to fight the battle every day so I chose not to (and also wondered what others were thinking of me). Then one day it was only 30 degrees. Both my boys walked outside and came right back in and said, ‘Mom, it’s cold today, can I wear a coat?’
Hmm…so maybe they HONESTLY weren’t ever cold before that! Thankfully now, they’re old enough to care about certain things…like the OKC Thunder. They will wear their Thunder jackets any time? Since they are finally used to Thunder jackets, I bought then very thin, but warm North Face jackets (since its frequently cold where I live). So glad I didn’t sweat it a few years ago!
You are so right, there are certain things we can’t bend on. I also don’t want my home to be a complete war zone!
Loved this!
Posted By: Jamie | January 10th, 2013 at 5:21 pm
Thank you for this! I have the same issue with my son and wearing a coat. I agree with you, I must have a different body temperature than my kids too. I am going to adopt your way of thinking now because you’re right, they won’t freeze to death.
Posted By: Deanna | January 10th, 2013 at 7:32 pm
I can totally relate! Thank you much for sharing. I love this!
Posted By: Jennifer Clendenin | January 10th, 2013 at 7:36 pm
I am not an expert by any means but I observe a lot of families. Grace, it’s sort of grace, is priceless. And discipline should be used in lesser measures. You’re a confident wise mom.
Posted By: Donna | January 10th, 2013 at 7:56 pm
So very true and took us a while to learn. Decided after reading Kevin Leman’s book not to make everything a battle, otherwise going into the teenage years would be a war. Decided to let him wear whatever he wanted-he pays for stuff that exceeds our budget, that wasn’t offensive to God or others, cut hair however he wanted and wear what he wanted outdoors/indoors and you suffer whatever the consequences are (illness, dry skin etc.) It’s worked out so well and led to much peace. And after the first couple of times, we’ve never had any problems with clothes or hair.
Posted By: Jen Goodman | January 10th, 2013 at 9:24 pm
So true- 4 kids here and i fell into hair style struggles (convincing little girls to keep impeccably cute hair is hard), clothing fights, room decor – at the end of the day, I realized that it was my pride at stake and not Thier well being. I have had to switch and fight my battles I over eternal things. Thanks for the reminder.
Posted By: Elana | January 11th, 2013 at 11:54 am
This is so much bigger than “coats.” You are teaching your children how to think and be responsible for themselves…i.e. how to be an adult.
Posted By: B.A. | January 12th, 2013 at 12:48 pm
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