The Preacher's Wife – The Blog of Holly Furtick

Don’t call the justice league

Wednesday March 27, 2013 | Marriage, Reflections

Tonight my eGroup is discussing the topic of forgiveness as it pertains to marriage. We read the chapter in Linda Dillow’s book (What’s it like to be married to me?) called “Why do I want to stay mad at you.” Linda suggests that holding a grudge is easier than forgiving because when you hold a grudge you are able to blame the other person and you never have to look inward and admit that you played some part in the offense.

We also listened this week to my husband’s series, F-Bomb from 2011. That is such a powerful series. One of my top 10 that we have done at our church (you can easily find it in our archive). It was really interesting to listen to the series while focusing on forgiveness within my marriage. I love when my husband said that forgiveness is not weakness, it is the ultimate portal for the power of Christ in my life.

At some point in my marriage, if I want to have a healthy, thriving marriage, I have to let go of the idea of justice. Does this mean that I never get to explain myself or tell my side during a conflict? No. What it means is when a discussion gets to a point where both perspectives have been heard but neither person really agrees, can I let it go or do I have to have my justice? Am I ok with walking away feeling misunderstood?

It’s funny because when it comes to my personal forgiveness, I expect grace. But when I feel wronged, I want to call in the justice league. I am not talking about justice for a criminal. I am talking about justice with my spouse. My husband said in his message, “Forgiveness is not about dismissing your case, it’s about taking it to a higher court.”

Often when you think of forgiveness in the context of marriage you think of a big offense like an affair or an addiction. But it is those little arguments that can eat away at you and lead your heart down a very slippery slope. Learning to forgive, even when I think I was only 3% responsible takes grace. But I have been given a lot of grace. And I have been promised a lot of grace.

2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things, and at all times, you will abound in every good work.

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A decision to decide

Tuesday March 12, 2013 | Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:4 says
The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. (NIV)

The Message version puts it this way…
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Yesterday there was a clip on my husband’s blog called, “the Power of a Pre decision.” It is one of my favorite teachings of his. The idea of pre deciding can change your situation and especially your marriage.

You can pre decide to forgive.

You can pre decide to love.

You can pre decide to serve.

Marriage is about decision. Not feeling. It is about deferring to the one you love, and seeking to satisfy them, not standing up for your rights.

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The art of overlooking

Tuesday February 26, 2013 | Marriage, Reflections

This past Sunday as we were getting ready for church and my husband was listening to his pastor, Pastor Craig Groschel (My husband never misses one of Pastor Craig’s messages). And as I was putting on my make-up, I heard Pastor Craig talking about over looking an offense. He said, overlooking an offense is a type of forgiveness. It’s choosing not to be offended by something someone said or did that hurt or angered me.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

Have you ever been around someone who is easily offended? It’s like walking on egg shells and its not fun. People, who are easily offended are often bitter over events they barely remember happening.

Hebrews 12:15 says, “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”

It’s funny because I think I am easily offended by the people I love the most. Probably because they are also the people I trust the most. But the opposite should be true. I should be able to overlook an offense from the people I love the most because I know they love me and would not be purposely trying to hurt me.

In my marriage, I have a little rule of thumb. If my husband says or does something that hurts me or bothers me, I try to give it some time. If I can forget about it, then it doesn’t need to be discussed. If I can’t stop thinking about it a day later, I need to talk it out with my husband. You know, 9 times out of 10 (when I actually follow this rule because let’s face it, I don’t get it right a lot), I forget all about the offense. And that other 10% of the time, when we discuss it, it is well received because the conversation is not out of a place of anger.

Mastering the art of being quick to forgive is what enables me to keep any root of bitterness from taking place in my life. Ask the Lord to make you quick to overlook any offenses you may face today.

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To give or not to give

Thursday February 7, 2013 | Great Things, Marriage

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I have often heard people say that holidays like Valentine’s and Mother’s day are holidays created by retailers to make you spend money. While this may be true, do you really want to be the person who didn’t give your special someone anything on Valentine’s day?

Here are a few creative gift ideas that shouldn’t cost too much money but could speak volumes of love…

Begin a tradition of always giving the same item to each other for Valentines day. Like a mix tape or a book or a framed picture from that year. My wedding anniversary is June 1. For several years, my husband and went shopping together for bathing suits on our anniversary.
Cook a special dinner together instead of going out to eat.
Leave special notes with small gifts for your loved one to find throughout the day. End the day with a thoughtful letter.
Take some time to think about your loved one’s favorites and give them to him or her throughout the day. You could do things like have their favorite song playing when they start their car and bring them their favorite Starbucks drink at work, then have their favorite dessert after dinner.

That’s all I got for now, but I would love to hear some from you in the comments today. Do you have any Valentine’s traditions? Also, if you would like a few more tips on how to give a great gift, check out this blog I wrote at Christmas time.

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Draw it out

Tuesday January 29, 2013 | Marriage, Parenting

I once heard a preacher say, “A question convicts a conscience but and accusation hardens the will.” I have never forgotten that.

When you ask someone a question, they consider their actions. When you accuse some one of something, they automatically go into defense mode.

So in parenting, let’s say one of your children gets angry at another one of your children and punches his brother until his brother starts crying (hypothetically speaking). Instead of accusing which leads to more anger, “You are such a bully, keep your hands to yourself,” you could try questioning, “What is the rule about punching in this house?” This may not result in any less drama, but it does cause my child to think about what he did wrong.

It applies in marriage. Let’s say your husband and you get into an argument over money. He spends too much, you never spend at all (again, hypothetically speaking). Instead of saying, “You don’t care about our finances,” you could try, “what did you think we could use this for?”

Now I will say it is best to avoid using the question, “Why?” because why can often come across as accusatory. ”Why did you do that, (you idiot)!” Also, “What were you thinking?” doesn’t count either.

It takes a lot of self control to question before you accuse but this small change can be the very thing thats allows you to get beneath an argument to the deeper issue of what is causing the argument. In parenting, it can allow your child to take ownership for their actions rather than you telling them for the 100th time what they did wrong and what the consequences will be. It also communicates to the other person that you truly want to understand them.

Proverbs 20:5 says this…
The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.

I want to learn to draw out what is in the heart of those I love, not jump to conclusions because I am frustrated by their actions. I in doing so, I hope that my loved ones will do the same for me when I mess up.

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How to give a good gift

Tuesday December 11, 2012 | Great Things, Marriage, Reflections

1. Don’t make it about you. I knew a woman who got a pool table for mother’s day one year. She had never played pool a day in her life. When giving a gift to someone, start by thinking about the things that they love. They love hunting? Go to Bass Pro Shop and ask for help and get a gift receipt for everything you buy. They love cooking? Go to Sur La Table, make a gift basket and just remember to get a gift receipt. Don’t let your likes and dislikes and opinions keep you from getting someone else what they really want.

2. Replace something. Maybe they lost a pocket knife that got taken by TSA or a pair of favorite earrings that they left in a hotel. It could be something they broke like a favorite mug or pair of shoes that got ruined.

3. Give a blast from the past. Find a t-shirt from a concert you attended years ago. Or an old cd you used to love together. Maybe a copy of a movie you saw together.

4. Do something nostalgic. Frame an old picture or an old letter. One of my favorite gifts my mom ever gave me is in my kitchen. It is a framed recipe card for my Grandma’s eye round roast (my favorite thing she cooked). My mom saved it when she was cleaning out my Grandma’s house after she moved to an assisted living home. It is not even in a nice frame but I don’t care, it’s special. It reminds me that cooking is about expressing my love to my family (for me, no pressure if you hate cooking).

5. Be a good listener. If your wife goes on and on to her friend about how beautiful her new purse is, take notes! If your husband talks about how he wishes he had a universal remote, pay attention! If your daughter goes on and on about sparkly TOMS take the hint!

When you give a really thoughtful gift you take a big risk. Maybe they won’t get it. Maybe they won’t think it is as special as you do. Maybe you tried really hard but just fell short. But maybe you gave them a gift that says, “I know you,” or “I pay attention to you,” or “I remember the great times we have had together,” and that speaks volumes. And listen, if you need to throw in a gift card with your framed recipe card, that’s icing on your, I-put-thought-into-this gift.

I will leave you with 3 last don’ts…

Don’t equate gifts with need. That’s why socks and underwear from your grandma never meant much.
Don’t believe the lie that it is all about money. Resourcefulness after a tough financial year could be the best gift you ever gave your spouse.
Don’t give up. Just because you gave a gift that bombed last year doesn’t mean you throw in the towel this year. It means you try harder this year.

Happy Hunting! Merry Christmas!

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Brick by brick

Wednesday September 19, 2012 | Family, Marriage, Parenting, Reflections

Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

I love this verse in Proverbs. I want to be a wise woman. A woman who is proactive in building my house, one brick at a time.

I can build into my relationship with my husband. This means I focus on what I can do to improve our relationship rather than the things I wish he would do. When I place my efforts in my own change, I have less time to be worried about his.

I can build into my children. I know that every ounce of effort I put into disciplining them and teaching them to be responsible is worth it, even if I cannot see the results today.

I can build our day by getting up early enough that I do not have to rush out the door. Or planning ahead of time what we will eat for dinner so we have a healthy meal to eat. (Boy is this an area where I have lots of room for improvement).

I can build into the emotional atmosphere of our home by making sure my soul is filled with with Word of God so that I am not running on empty, a ticking bomb waiting to explode on someone.

Am I perfect at these things? No way. I don’t even come close. But a healthy, God-centered home is not magically built. It is put together one brick at a time. And while some days I lay more bricks than others, my goal is to make sure I am working to build my house, not tear it down.

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The easiest way to make a decision

Tuesday July 17, 2012 | Marriage

A pre-decision is when you make up your mind how you will respond to a specific situation before you are faced with the situation. (I made up this definition because dictionary.com let me down)

Here are a few pre-decisions we made that have really blessed our marriage.

1. Pre-decide to forgive. Jesus forgave me of my sins, yesterday, today and tomorrow and He commands me to forgive as I have been forgiven. This means that I must pre-decide to forgive my husband no matter what. Now my mind can really run away with this one. But what if he… it would be hard but I will forgive. But what if he… it would hurt so bad, but I will forgive.

2. Pre-decide to stay out of debt. One day, a few months into our marriage, we were in the bathroom when we decided we would never accumulate consumer debt. This decision answered so many questions. If we want something, we have to have the money to buy it. No buy now, pay later.

3. Pre-decide to have fun with each other. My husband and I go on a date every week. We rarely miss. This time is invaluable to our marriage. We sit down, look each other in the eyes and talk uninterrupted. Our dates are not always expensive or elaborate. Most weeks it is just dinner out. When I think back, some of the biggest decisions of our marriage have been made on our dates. Some of the biggest moments of encouragement have come on our dates.

The easiest way to make a decision is before you have to.

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10 Year Anniversary

Friday June 1, 2012 | About Me, Marriage, Pastor Steven Furtick

10 years ago, on the hottest day in the history of outdoor weddings, I made the best decision of my life (besides giving my life to Christ) when I said “I do” to my husband.

Steven Furtick is a true man of God and I can’t believe God picked me to be his wife.

I cannot wait to see what the next 10 bring. If it is anything like the first, I am in for an amazing ride.

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Always Always Always Always

Wednesday May 30, 2012 | Marriage, Reflections

1 Corinthians 13:7
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

My husband and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary this Friday. Wow. I cannot believe it. This week, I came across this verse. It comes from a familiar chapter that I have read many times, the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13. But for some reason when this verse was extrapolated out, it really spoke to me. I pray that over the next decade of my marriage I will have an always, always, always, always attitude toward our relationship.

Love always protects. I want to protect my marriage at all costs. When schedules, children, and fatigue put pressure on our relationship, I will push to protect it.

Love always trusts. I will trust that my husband is the spiritual leader of our home even when I don’t fully agree with a decision he makes for our family. I will trust that my husband loves me and has good intentions towards me even when I don’t understand his actions.

Love always hopes. I will always hope the best in our relationship. I will leave my expectations at the feet of Jesus. I will live a life of living, breathing prayer for my husband and his relationship with God.

Love always perseveres. I will push through when times get hard. I will cling to my husband when we are faced with a trial rather than grow apart from him. I will always work at making our relationship better. I will never give up on Steven and Holly Furtick.

Always

Always.

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Holly Furtick